I have been observing people’s use of language and correlating it to how they are able (or not) to achieving their ambitions.
The following 5 words are keeping you dependent rather than independent or interdependent:
This is a word that people use a lot – “I need this” “I need that”. For example, I need more money.
Needing something as opposed to wanting something gives the language that you are using a different meaning…
Need, as it implies you require something because it is essential or very important rather than a desire for something.
Replacing ‘need’ with ‘want’ completely changes the context of the language. Wanting something is having a desire to possess or do something.
Think about examples of where you use the word need and actually it could easily be replaced with want and achieve a better communication language.
I need you to come with me to take the dog to the vets. = command
I want you to come with me to take the dog to the vets. = request
I need you to get this work finished before you leave this evening. = command
I want (would like) you to have this work finished before you leave this evening. = request
When there is a command, you can find that there is little room for a discussion around the demand that has been made, and actually by ‘telling’ someone “I need this” can often cause varying levels of frustration (often depending on the frame of mind of the individual at the time), and that frustration if the language is repeated often can contribute to relationships (working or otherwise) to break down.
“Can’t means won’t”! Anyone recall hearing a parent saying this to them, or have you been known to say it to your own kids?
We often hear children saying that they can’t do something. Often the reason for the ‘can’t’ is they don’t want to as it would interrupt something that they are already doing (e.g. playing / socialising) or it is something that they are not particularly interested in (e.g. homework / tidying their room).
The language that we learn as a child follows into adulthood and we then find ourselves in a work context and repeating the “I can’t do this or that”.
Sometimes the “I can’t” develops as it is a behaviour that has been learnt because of a less than positive environment that you have been in. It is a behaviour that can be unlearnt if the environment is a healthy and trusting one.
When you hear yourself saying the words “I can’t” ask yourself – is it:
• “I don’t want to”
• “I don’t know how to”
• “I’m scared that I might make a mistake so I don’t want to try”
• “I’m not interested in doing this”
• Something else _______________________________________ (fill in your own)
Once you understand why you are saying I can’t, you can then make a conscious choice about whether you want to have a go at something and move forward.
If you hear someone else saying “I can’t”, then you can help them understand their reasoning too by asking them the questions detailed above.
This is an interesting word. We often hear people saying that they tried to do something, do we really understand how hard they tried?
How many times have you said that you have tried to do something, and yet you really know that you haven’t put 100% effort in because the desire to do the task or achieve the goal was not sufficient to move you forward?
On the other hand, how many times have you said that you are trying to get somewhere, knowing that you want to achieve that goal?
More often than not, when we are fully committed to doing something we don’t use the word try – because we aren’t trying – we are doing!
Try removing these words from your vocabulary for 1 day then please get in touch and share your stories.